All Good Things...

I talked myself out of calling you all day yesterday because it would have only been yelling and of course you hanging up so nothing would have been accomplished. Nothing I say is ever taken seriously apparently, but so be it, as long as I’m getting what needs to be said across. 

This “I care about Mia” stuff is bullshit. You can say it as much as you like. You can say it until you’re blue in the face. You can say it until the day that you die. But like most of the words that come out of your mouth, they’re not likely to be taken as the truth. You can believe it all that you want but deep down you know. Just like you said you would “always love me”. They’re just words. 

To some extent you have to know the type of person you are. You have to know that you’re not the best father in the world. Granted, you’re not the worst, but you’re not even at mediocre. I know the type of person that I am. I know that I’m a bitch and I yes I get crazy and irrational with you most of the time but I swear you’re the only person that makes me that way. And it’s not without merit. All the shit you have done not only to me but to my child has made me that way. How could you expect someone to be jovial and polite about the things you have put us through? You have never respected me, not even as the mother of your child, so what would grant you respect? I may be this and may be that in your book but not once can you say that I have been a bad mother. I have only done the best for our child and that’s not something you can say. I get it, a mother’s love is different but that is NO EXCUSE to blatantly put your child in the background to your own selfish wants.

You deny every single time that Mia is not a priority behind your life, your career and least of all your girlfriend but if I were to sit down and write out the many times that you’ve chosen all of those before her it would literally probably take me a week and YOU KNOW THIS! Everything that I am telling you now is the truth. 

All of this, every email, every text, every word that has come from me about the parent that you are is not for my own kicks. I don’t enjoy or get a rise out of putting you down as the parent that you choose to be. I don’t stay up at night thinking about what more I can say to show you just how shitty you are. This isn’t for me. This is for OUR CHILD!!! You know that person that walks around with a beating heart, breathing lungs and our blood in her veins, that from the very beginning deserved two parents? That little thing that I told you didn’t have to be brought into this world and could have been spared this very situation? Sophocles said, “To never have been born may be the greatest boon of all” Meaning if she wasn’t here to witness the pathetic person you’ve become to put her aside to better your life would be a blessing for her. I thank God every day that I have her, but before I even knew who she was I would have spared her from this life. Call me the bad parent, call me selfish but my intentions have always been the best for her. 

You email me with intentions of asking about her, but for what? To prove a point that you’re not as horrible as I say you are? Proving it to who? Yourself or your child? You say that I keep her from you but since when? When I wasn’t forcing her down your throat? I blocked your text messages but what are you texting me for? Did you even try to call? Did you even try to call my mother? No. You know where Mia lives. You have always had visitations rights, from the first month of her life. You sat next me in an office when we were both told that I could not keep her from you without legal consequences. So what is stopping you? 

  I put myself in a place for you to resent me and hate me because I was forcing you to be there for her. I did that so that she could have her father! How many people do you know have the mothers of their children take off and never hear from them again? I could be that person. I could do it easily. I could move away, change our names, never look back but for what? That’s only running. I’m not the coward, you are. If you’re trying to prove something to yourself or other people by not allowing her the chance to live a life where she wouldn’t know the hurt of having a parent that was only there for their benefit, don’t bother. She has everything she needs just from me. I have the love for her of two capable and willing parents. 

After all is said and done, you get to have the life that you choose! You chose our life for us. And I could complain but for what? I get the best part and she carries MY last name. All you have left to prove now is how you could father any child if you couldn’t even father the one you “wanted”. What woman wants a man that can’t care for his child? Every woman deep down wants children of their own. Good luck.

I can keep lying to myself and my child, but she deserves better…

Eight years ago today, my life changed forever.

At 2:54 am, he asked me to be his girlfriend. A year later, he asked me to be the mother of his child. A few months after, he asked me to be his wife. Today, we are nothing.

Strangers. 

How can you know everything about someone, every square inch of them, all of their stories, secrets and ambitions one day and not know anything about them the next? 

Easy. Something “better” comes along.

Well you know what, honey? Better didn’t get your best years. Better didn’t create, carry and give birth to our child. Better has no idea who you truly are.

Holy crap I’m neglecting my personal blog…

What can I say? Actually where to start is more like it.

The beginning of the year brought so many changes and continues to bring changes. I feel I have progressed in these past couple months more than I have in my entire life! 

Two months has brought on a freaking self rediscovery! For the first time in a really really long time I’ve put myself before anything else. Before anyone else. My first step to getting here was basically cutting myself off from the world. Neglecting/abandoning all social media, turning my cell phone off for extended periods of time and just basking in the glory of not having to deal with limited amounts of bullshit. It has been WONDERFUL! Who needs anxiety medication when you can just cut out the rapid heartbeat, sweating and nauseous feeling of logging on and having to see a picture or reminder of that certain someone that causes you so much pain and stress? 

Next step was to figure out who it is that I am and who it is that I want to be. My first job out of high school was with a law firm and in the beginning it was fun, exciting and I was quick to learn the system so I felt I had found my calling. In a few short years I’ve made my way up to legal assistant (among other titles) but where is there to go from here? My goal is definitely not to go to law school. I have a child that demands so much of my time and I can’t imagine pushing her aside to tackle a degree AND law school with a full time job, which I hear is extremely hard, almost impossible.

It was during this struggle to figure out my ambitions that I read in a book about a woman getting over a break up that she stopped and asked herself what it is she would do for free for the rest of her life. That was my “light bulb” moment. As much as I love the people I work with, most of the time I enjoy the work that I do and take work home that is not paid for, I would definitely not do this for free. Yes I could do this for the rest of my life with pay but I’m sure at some point I would feel the burn out.

For days I resorted to writing about my inability to figure out “what I want to be when I grow up” and then suddenly it was crystal clear. Anytime I have a problem, anytime something amazing happens or even something normal in everyday life or just to vent I resort to writing. When I was younger I wanted to be an astronaut. Something cool, something unique. What child thinks writing is cool? It was something that was expected of me in school and I did it, but I didn’t realize I did it well. Today I can pull out a ton of old essays that I have held onto from elementary school. Why I held onto them? I wasn’t sure until now. I thought it was because there was that big shiny 100 and star with a sticker, but I sat down again and really read them. As an adult now I am astounded that child me was able to write with such description, emotion and not to mention my grammar was impeccable! How did I not realize it before? 

When I enrolled in college the first year my major was chemistry. This is ironic because I despise math with my entire being. When I presented my college entry testing scores to my counselor and uttered my major the look he gave me was as if I had just told him I wanted to self inflict a stab wound. I barely passed my math test so this should not have been a surprise to me. My writing scores however were perfect, highest writing score you could get and still I was not interested. 

Maybe there was always a hidden passion that I just wouldn’t admit to myself. Maybe it’s like that life long friend that knows everything about you and still decides you’re the coolest person in the world and eventually you figure out you’re in love with them and always have been, then you get married and have a happy life together. I have fallen in love with writing and I know now that I have always loved it. Starting up a scrap book blog for my daughter has reignited that love. This is why my personal blog has been neglected. I am too busy writing love letters to my child. She and I have spent the past few weeks literally living in bookstores. This is sort of my research into figuring out of what it is that I want to write. Do I want to write columns for magazines? I could totally see myself writing reviews on bands and albums. Or is writing a novel for me? Do I want to write fiction or nonfiction? What age range am I leaning towards?

The one thing that has stood out to me from the beginning of this all is children’s books. I have never identified a child’s book by their name, it was always been by their author. How weird is that? That should have been my first sign. The majority of my favorite authors are children’s book writers. This is my calling. I know it.

After the birth of my daughter it was hard to get back into school. I have always been afraid that I would miss out on her life. Almost seven years later, it still hurts to think about spending so much time away from her but at 25 I feel like it’s now or never and I’m genuinely ready to take on the responsibility of a full time job, full time mom and full time student. I feel like I could take on the world in this moment. Baby steps first, my classes have been signed up for and now I just patiently wait for that dreaded first day of school feeling again this summer. It will all be worth it when I get my degree in English and my child psychology classes are transformed into a beautiful masterpiece that hopefully a little kid one day will call their favorite children’s book.

My last and final step to personal improvement is my most vain. I’m not proud that I am self conscience. I have low self esteem and it shows considerably so I’m making changes. I set a goal to lose all of the weight I gained since my pregnancy and in two short months I am half way there. I was always one for the quick and easy ways to lose weight. If I could afford it, liposuction would have been at the top of that easy list because my weakness is food. If it’s bad for you why the hell is it so damn good?? But this time around it has been strictly eating healthier and a little… well ok very little working out but I plan to get in that intense phase soon. I have 4 months left but I am extremely proud of my progress in 2! In addition to being a hot momma very soon my complexion is clearing up and guess who is becoming a blonde?? 

Life is good. How the hell can it not be?

Seriously contemplating getting in the car and driving down to Austin next week for SXSW with my 6 year old in tow. No, not for any of the nighttime fun adult stuff but more the atmosphere and constant sound of music that just helps you forget all the worries and stress from home. 

I don’t think you’re ever too young to start appreciating music. Music is a huge part of my life and already at such a young age is showing to be in my daughter’s as well. I genuinely think this will be an experience she will enjoy and learn so much from. Can’t wait!

It definitely sucks that today there are so many tidbits of information that I’m holding onto that only one person could truly understand and appreciate…

Like the fact that John Mayer has a release date for Born and Raised

Gavin Degraw will be on Dancing with the Stars

Jason Mraz released a few songs from his new album today

And Ron Pope is coming back to Houston!

I terribly miss my best friend… but with some good advice I’m starting to realize that the best friend mentality and camaraderie had not been reciprocated in a very long time. Friendships are not one sided. So I will continue to hold onto this information and be internally excited because, really, the only true friend I have is myself.

I ask you to make it a priority to be more involved and you take that as find a job miles away?

You’re absolutely right, I get upset over no good god damn reason.

“Visitation is only a right, not something that can be enforced”

These words keep playing over and over in my head. You can have them in writing. They can be ordered by a judge but you can’t force him to want to be there. The moment you no longer make it an option for him to be there, if he were to ever decide, a judge will find you in contempt with legal consequences to ensue. So basically the legal system allows for men to be total deadbeats but prosecutes mothers for trying to protect their children from heartbreak and disappointment? I officially hate the legal field and quite honestly am tempted to quit my job for the fact that these laws set in place to protect people are causing more harm than good.

I must be crazy. I must give this man more credit than he deserves to allow him chance after chance for year after year to prove, not to me, but to his child that she is priority number one. After six years you would think I would learn. Maybe my problem is that I expect too much from people? Should I expect very little or nothing at all? What kind of world do we live in that I should raise my child to expect disappointment from her parent?

For three days I have been fighting the flu. In three long excruciating days I have not been near my child for fear that she would have to suffer the body aches, fever and hacking cough. Three days of hell not because I’m sick but because I miss my child so fucking much it hurts! He knows I’m sick. He knows I can’t be near her. Did he offer to pick her up so that she could be with one of her parents? No. Did he call to talk to her? No. What he did do was lie about having to work so that he did not have to do those things but instead felt he owed it to his girlfriend to spend the time he could be spending with his child with her. It seems anytime I praise him I have to eat my words because he proves time and time again he simply does not deserve it.

I keep hearing from the majority of the people in my life that it would be so much easier to do this parenting thing alone but for the life of me I keep holding onto the hope that he’ll realize he can’t live without his child…